Commack Patch, Year Two: What YOU Can Do

It is with surprise and, dare I say, pride that I read the announcement by our humble editor Kaitlyn that . Bravo!

When Patch first began to emerge, I was a bit skeptical. By "skeptical" I mean that I was all like, "This is really gonna suck." But despite what Slate's Jack Shafer says about "hyperlocal" sites like Patch being "a complete waste of time and resources," so far I've liked what I've seen. I'm learning about events and even some history about my own neighborhood, the kind of stuff that Cablevision Daily doesn't cover.

Then again, it's not my money. If the whole thing eventually tanks, I'll have more time to devote to my own boring blog.

That being said, the "top stories" Kaitlyn chose to list were, if I can be honest, a little depressing. Imagine if you were thinking of moving to Commack (what are you, a Rockefeller? Have you seen the around here?) and you saw that rundown of lowlights about our area. What would you think?

Police and Fire

• January 14, 2011 –
• February 19, 2011 -
• April 18, 2011 -
• April 26, 2011 –

Clearly, Commack is not a safe place to live. You step outside your home, you're likely to get hit by a car. But don't stay inside your house, either, because it could burn down.

Business

• November 22, 2010 –
• February 1, 2011 —
  
• February 16, 2011 –
  
• March 17, 2011 –

Jeez, everything's closing down! Oh, wait! Latin fusion is returning! Where has it been? And why is it coming back now?

Schools

• November 11, 2010 –

• July 2, 2010 - 

So in July, the new superintendent, whose salary is something like ten zillion dollars (I'm too lazy to look it up), realizes that Commack residents and its schools need to reconnect, but then four months later these residents learn that the schools are still paying its previous superintendent more than half a million dollars. I think the new superintendent is hoping the community will be distracted by the return of Latin fusion.

The Neighborhood Files

• June - August, 2010 –

• April 15, 2011 -

• May 31, 2011 –

Actually, there's nothing wrong with any of these headlines, though I'd wager that less than one percent of Commack's residents have ever stepped foot in the Marion Carll Farm, I'd argue that I was expecting a lot more out of the reopened library (like hotdogs and free iPads at the grand reopening) that what we ended up getting, and "Residents March in Memorial Day Parade" is as thrilling a headline as "Residents Turn Off Bedroom Lights Before Going to Bed."

My point is, people are going to look at these headlines and think, "Commack, Copaigue, what's the difference? All Long Island towns are the same." We can't keep living off the reputation of being the hometown of Rosie O'Donnell and that other famous lesbian, Bob Costas, even if in New York State. (And they'd probably get married at Oheka Castle, not the !)

We need to spice things up around here, which is why I'm suggesting that you, fellow Commack residents, do something interesting that will make Commack Patch like the Patchiest of all the Patches. If you can't do that, we'll just have to make up stories for this site.

I suggest the following headlines:

• Commack Dairy Barns Run Out of Dairy Products, Lactose-Intolerant Residents Rejoice
• Zombies Emerge from Commack Cemetery, Decide to Eat White Castle Burgers in Lieu of Brains
• Several Months After the Fact, Commack Residents Realize They Should Never Have Allowed Latin Fusion to Return
• Commack Father Realizes the $1,000 He's Spent on Chuck E. Cheese Tokens for His Kids Over the Past Year Resulted in Prizes Worth Only 25 Bucks
• Debates Over Gay Marriage Within Resulting in Very Bored Readers
• Due to Persistence of , Cheesecake Factory Finally Opens Location in Commack

I think you get the idea. Whatever you plan on doing today, always think, "Will this make a great Commack Patch story?" It's for the good of our neighborhood. If you don't like it, GET OUT! I'm sure Copaigue would love to have you.