On Ice Cream, False Advertising, and Lawsuits

According to my favorite local news site, the D'Lites ice cream chain, which was planning to open locations in several Long Island spots (in addition to its current Woodbury location) including our Home Sweet Home of Commack, for his "Shame, Shame, Shame" report that accused the chain of making false claims regarding the low-fat and low-sugar qualities of its product.

I planned to simply post a comment in the article -- something along the lines of "that sucks!" -- but then I took a moment to gather my thoughts, which are sometimes scattered like grains of colored sand when my son begs me into letting him do one of those stupid "sand art" things at the Street Fair of the Week and right at the end before he can put the cap on that plastic jar shaped like a football he drops the damn thing and spills a rainbow of sadness everywhere.

Where was I? Oh yes -- this news item is already stirring up some passionate responses, but I thought I'd weigh in with the following things to consider:

1. Arnold Diaz is a crank who looks like the kind of fellow who'll approach a stranger, put his hands on the poor guy's shoulders and begin an unsolicited conversation with, "First of all, I'm NOT crazy."
   
   (Note: When someone begins a conversation with "First of all, I'm NOT crazy" it actually means that he IS, in fact, crazy.)
   
   
2. That being said, most of Crazy Arnold's reports have provided valuable help to people who would otherwise have nowhere to turn, and a public shaming is sometimes the only way the "little guy" is going to get any justice. Even little guys who are actually 5'10" or taller.
   
   
3. This is not the first time that an ice cream (or artificial dairy product, or whatever the hell they're making) chain has been proven to overestimate the reduction in sugar and/or fat in its desserts. I think there was even a "Seinfeld" episode about it.
   
   (Note to readers under 30: "Seinfeld" was a sitcom during a time before Facebook and iPods.)
   
   
4. Ice cream or frozen yogurt with reduced sugar is usually terrible, though I'll admit that some low-fat options can be pretty good if they're prepared correctly. For instance, I can and will eat an entire tub of Edy's low-fat "churned" ice cream, after which the only thing "churning" will be the contents of my colon.
   
   
5. If this chain is claiming that its ice cream is lower in fat and sugar than the wares offered by the average ice cream palor, that fact may be the only reason some folks will head over there instead of to, say, Carvel. Ergo, if said "low fat" chain's info is incorrect, the public has a right to know.
   
   Like if it turned out that the hot fudge sauce at Carvel, which is sort of reminiscent of melted plastic, actually turned out to BE melted plastic, then I would demand to know this information. I would still eat the hot fudge sauce, however, because the plasticy mouthfeel is in fact the best part of the sauce.
   
   Ladies, how would you feel if you were browsing the local dating ads and read a profile that claimed I were lower in fat and sugar than the average available male suitor? You would be pretty outraged, once you met me, especially when you also learned that I wasn't really 5'10" or taller!
   
   (Note to my wife:  I am not actually posting profiles on local dating profiles. That example was just for illustrative purposes. Please let me back into the house now.)
   
   
6. One of the last things that Commack needs is yet another frozen-dessert establishment. I ask YOU, Commack resident: as you sit at home reading this, are you thinking, "Boy, we already have a or two, and a , and a Friendly's, and a couple of 7-Elevens and a few supermarkets where I can grab a pint of Ben & Jerry's, and I think there's a couple of around here somewhere...I really wish we had ANOTHER frozen-treat facility."
   
   I know what you're really thinking: "We need a , and we need it now."

I hope these points have helped you understand this issue better. I am also offering my services as a witness, in the event this thing actually goes to trial. Feel free to contact me if you need any other Commack controversies explained in ludicrous detail.